BREAKING: Announces Esports Divisions Based on Number of Stoplights Instead of Enrollment

Price, Texas – In an effort to "better reflect the true competitive balance of Texas communities," the UILTX.org has reportedly announced that future Esports divisions will no longer be determined by student enrollment.

Instead, schools will compete based on the number of working stoplights in their town.

🚦 1A – One Stoplight Division

• Population: "Everybody knows everybody." 
• School bus doubles as the town shuttle. 
• Championship trophy displayed at the local feed store. 

🚦🚦 2A – Two Stoplights

• Has a Dairy Queen. 
• Police officer knows every student's first name. 
• Rocket League practice canceled during the county fair. 

🚦🚦🚦 3A – Three Stoplights

• Finally has a Starbucks... inside the grocery store. 
• Internet usually works after 8 p.m. 
• Mayor serves as the Esports tournament announcer. 

🚦🚦🚦🚦 4A – Four Stoplights

• Two fast-food restaurants. 
• Players argue whether Buc-ee's counts as a hometown business. 
• Booster club begins fundraising for RGB keyboards. 

🚦🚦🚦🚦🚦 5A – Five Stoplights

• Actual traffic during lunch. 
• Team arrives to tournaments on charter buses. 
• Coaches require Discord etiquette training. 

🚦🚦🚦🚦🚦🚦+ 6A – Six or More Stoplights

• Traffic jams delay League of Legends practice. 
• School district hires a Director of Mouse Calibration. 
• Varsity Esports players receive parking permits before seniors. 

If two schools have the same number of stoplights, the following will determine playoff seeding:

• Number of Buc-ee's within 25 miles. 
• Whether the town has a Chick-fil-A. 
• Availability of fiber internet. 
• Number of Whataburgers. 
• If all else fails, whichever superintendent has the fastest Wi-Fi. 

"Student enrollment is complicated. Stoplights are easy to count."
— Totally Real  Spokesperson